homeless disconnect

On Saturday I participated in an event called “Homeless Connect.” It’s an annual event put on by an organization called Sacramento Steps Forward that connects homeless people in the area with service providers that cater to the homeless. Different organizations set up booths to provide services, everything from bike repair to haircuts to vision/dental/medical checkups to legal advice.

Last year I was in the bike repair booth helping out an organization called Cycles4hope. It’s a really cool ministry that provides bikes to homeless people and offers repair services for their bikes. It’s a really useful ministry because bikes are often the only mode of transportation the homeless have. This year I wasn’t able to sign up to volunteer with them, but I was glad to see that they were there.

This year I signed up to help serve food but they had so many volunteers that I ended up just kinda standing around for most of the event. But I guess it’s encouraging to see that there are so many people willing to help out. At the end of the day I felt like I really didn’t do much, so I stuck around with Jim to help with cleanup and tear down of the event. As we were tearing down the signs I noticed that a lot of the homeless people were carrying big garbage bags full of bottles to recycle for money.

I thought about how much money was in those bags. Definitely not much. On Friday I had spent over $2000. Assuming one bottle is five cents, to get $2000 you would have to collect forty thousand bottles. That is probably more than ten times the total number of bottles that were given out throughout the course of the event, and each person would have only a small fraction of that total. Now that I think about it, to get forty thousand bottles you would have to collect more than one hundred bottles a day for an entire year. One hundred bottles a day sounds like a lot. I’m not sure how many bottles or cans an average homeless person collects in a day, but I bet it’s less than a hundred.

Of course spending $2000 in a day is a very atypical day for me. In fact it’s close to how much I spend in a month. But still this little math exercise shows how much of a disconnect exists between the income of an average working person and a homeless person. Why does such a huge disparity between incomes exist?

Lately I’ve been reading this book called “Why?” that tries to explain biblically why such poverty exists in the world. The author’s basic premise is that God gave humans dominion over the world and so in essence God gave humans the ability to eradicate poverty. He cites the example in Acts 2, when after the holy spirit came down, the believers were convicted and they sold their possessions and shared with those who were in need. In fact that’s pretty much exactly what it says in Acts 2:44-45.

44 All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45 They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need.

The funny thing is I actually led a bible study on this very chapter a couple of weeks ago and sort of glossed over this whole section. I guess that shows how selfish I am. Well that and spending $2000 in one day on possessions.

As if I didn’t hear this same message enough, pastor Jamie has been preaching about the holy spirit. On Sunday he also preached from this same passage and somehow tied it into tithing. Usually I don’t like those sermons on tithing, I feel like they often come across as using the bible for fundraising drives. But for some reason this time it spoke to me. Pastor Jamie’s application for the congregation was to get on the path towards giving. It doesn’t have to be right away, he said it took him like ten years to get to where he is now in his contributions, but to make a plan to get on that path.

I realize that a good number of people that read this blog are not Christians. And so if you’re not a believer I guess this doesn’t really apply to you and it probably comes across as me being really preachy. And so I was debating whether to even post this blog entry here. But in the end I posted it. It’s not meant to be preachy or anything, this blog exists mostly as my own personal journal and a reminder to myself how blessed I am and how much I should be willing to give. So take what you will from it.

Things I am thankful for

  • cool ministries like Cycles4Hope and cool organizations like Sacramento Steps Forward
  • writing words and the written Word
  • the ability to work

the intro

Hello. My name is Mike. Allow me to introduce myself. I am an introvert. What does it mean to be an introvert? Well, let me first get into what it does not mean. Introversion does not necessarily mean quiet and boring, although I do prefer to stay at home and read rather than go out to bars and clubs. Introverts aren’t necessarily socially awkward, although I guess with the wrong crowd I could seem really shy and awkward. But somebody could just as well be socially inept and extroverted (being around those types of people drains me). Being an introvert does not mean I am a hermit who lives in a cave, shunning all human interaction, although I do enjoy sleeping alone in snow caves from time to time.

So what does it mean to be an introvert? Well it’s complicated. Because in truth there are many different types of introverts.

I recently took one of those Briggs-Meyer personality tests. The results surprised me. I tested as 100% introverted. Somehow I thought I was less extreme. Another thing that surprised me was that I came up as a thinking type rather than a feeling type. I remember testing as an INFJ or an INFP before, although I don’t remember the numbers, so they might have been pretty borderline.

I really didn’t know what any of those things meant, so I ended up spending a good portion of the day reading about them. I found attributes from all of them that seem to apply to me. Here are the ones that stood out to me.

INTP (from Wikipedia)
INTPs tend to be less at ease in social situations or in the “caring professions,” although they enjoy the company of those who share their interests. They prize autonomy in themselves and others.  However, INTPs’ extraverted intuition often gives them a quick wit, especially with language. They may defuse tension through comical observations and references. They can be charming, even in their quiet reserve, and are sometimes surprised by the high esteem in which their friends and colleagues hold them.

INFJ (from Wikipedia)
INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may “silently withdraw as a way of setting limits”, rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.

INFP (from Wikipedia)
The polite, reserved exterior of INFPs can at first make them difficult to get to know. They enjoy conversation, however, taking particular delight in the unusual. When INFPs are in a sociable mood, their humor and charm shine through. Disposed to like people and to avoid conflict, INFPs tend to make pleasant company. Guided by their desire for harmony, INFPs prefer to be flexible unless their ethics are violated. INFPs are creative types and often have a gift for language. As introverts, they may prefer to express themselves through writing. Their dominant Feeling drives their desire to communicate, while their auxiliary intuition supplies the imagination.

Another good site is personalitypage.com. I read this today on the INFP page that cracked me up, because this morning it wasn’t until I sat in a round table meeting that I noticed a huge stain on my shirt… When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

Anyways, this ended up being a really long post, although most of it was not written by me. What prompted this post was the fact that I’ve been hearing from a lot of people lately that I’m really quiet. There’s probably a lot of truth to that statement. But I think part of it is that people who think that I’m abnormally quiet don’t really know me. Maybe this helps a little.

two worlds

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to lead bible study for small group. I think it’s been like a year since I’ve led. It’s funny- although I’ve been told by many people that I would be a good leader, I tend to avoid leadership as much as possible. I actually don’t mind leading all thaaaat much, it’s really only the planning portion that I don’t like. I don’t really like meetings and I don’t really like having to schedule things in advance. I enjoy leading bible study though, I enjoy prepping for them and I enjoy hearing everyone’s thoughts on the passage.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that there are really two types of leaders. There are leaders that set the vision and overall goals of an organization. They are the face of the organization, the ones that most people would think of when asked, “Who is the leader?” I call them the ‘generals.’ In the church/fellowship world they are the pastors and the core leaders of a fellowship. Then there is the second type of leader, the type that I most identify with and admire. I call them the ‘sergeants.’ They don’t really have a high position, but they lead by example. They put themselves in harms way along with the soldiers under their command. I don’t know if they really have a parallel in the church/fellowship world. I guess they are the ones that you kind of gravitate towards and look to for advice, even though they are not really a leader per se.

Anyways, that was sort of a random spiel. I’m not sure why I started writing about leadership. I guess my thought is that in a world where everyone wants to be a general, there aren’t enough sergeants. And what we really need are sergeants.

This post was titled ‘two worlds’ because I’ve been thinking about this recently– that it’s almost like Christians live in two different worlds. We have the secular world– for most people this world revolves around work or school. And then there’s the so called Christian world– the church, the fellowship, the bible studies, etc.

I see that in my own life too. It’s even apparent in my blogs. I have two of them, DT and MT. They originally stood for something. I think DT stood for ‘devotional thoughts.’ I think I originally was going to try to read a bible passage every day and write a short devotional every day. That was obviously way too ambitious a goal for a lazy person like me. I think MT stood for ‘miscellaneous thoughts,’ sort of all the rest of the junk that flowed in my brain, my empty thoughts (get it? MT = empty? bwahahaha….) Although I try to incorporate my faith into my empty thoughts once in a while, it’s pretty obvious that these blogs are two different worlds.

There are those who are able to bring both worlds together every day. They are the ones that I truly admire, although there are very few of them in my life. I don’t think I’m at that level yet. And so I will continue with both of these worlds. What I will try to do is be more consistent in DT, at least as consistent as this empty MT world. And who knows, maybe these worlds will cross from time to time.

Two worlds

Update (2013):

I’ve closed down the DT blog and folded the posts that I thought were worth saving into this blog.

random nuggets

I am cheap. That’s not always a bad thing. The problem is that I’m often cheap in the “penny wise, pound foolish” way. And I lack willpower. Those two things combined are what get me into trouble. Today is a prime example.

When I returned from socal about a week ago, I felt fat. Actually I was already fat, but I was feeling fatter than normal fat, which is already pretty fat. So I started to get back into exercising and eating healthier, and for the past week I’ve actually been doing ok on both fronts– a rarity for me. So today I had a fat craving for McDonalds, so I figured I deserved a break. A small break. So at lunchtime as I walked towards Mickey D’s I began to think about what to get and settled on a McChicken and fries. Not too bad a setback, I thought, I could just make it up at the gym tonight.

But as soon as I walked into McD’s that whole plan went out the door. I saw that they had 20 McNuggets for $4.99, so before I knew it, I walked out with 20 McNuggets and medium french fries. Actually it’s lucky that I didn’t have more cash because they had 50 nuggets for 10 bucks, which I surely would’ve got if I had the cash. Dahhh… Stupid sales and their humongous, colorful ads– they always work on a penny wise, pound foolish, willpower lacking consumer like me.

Can you resist? I obviously cannot.

As I walked back to the office a homeless guy asked me if I had any spare change. I didn’t, because I had just blown all my money on McNuggets and french fries. But conveniently the McNuggets came in two packages of ten, so I ended up offering him one of my packages, which he gladly accepted, and to which he replied, “God Bless You.”

God Bless You...”

That got me thinking. So cliché, those words, to the point that they don’t really mean anything. But yet I believe in God, so I guess I should believe that He blesses, regardless of whether the homeless guy does or not. And in my experience he does, in seemingly random ways. Today I won’t need to spend 3 hours on the elliptical machine burning off an additional ten nuggets. I guess in a way, that’s a blessing.

Sometimes there’s an old man in a wheelchair in front of Safeway, sometimes I buy him one of those sandwiches that are $1.99 when you buy two or more. So really it only costs me a buck to do that, since if I bought myself a sandwich it would have been $2.99. A couple of times doing that got me a coupon for a free fresh made deli sandwich which I would’ve been too cheap to buy otherwise. That’s definitely a blessing.

When I worked at CalPERS I was too cheap to pay for parking, so I parked underneath the highway 50 overpass. During the rainy season there used to be a homeless guy who slept underneath the overpass. Sometimes when I had fruit I would give him a banana or orange (He told me he couldn’t eat apples because of his rotten teeth). Every week under that overpass there was a new pile of broken glass from a car that had been broken into. During the three years I parked there, I never had my car broken into. It’s probably not related, but I like to think that homeless guy was guarding my car. I would consider that a blessing too.

Three examples when I was blessed by doing good. In truth I’m usually really bad. Probably 90% of the time I ignore the homeless people I see–I’m especially guilty of that when driving. But today got me thinking about the parable in Matthew 25 about the sheep and the goats. The sheep are those that help those that are less fortunate, they are also referred to as the righteous. In the parable those are the ones who are blessed. The goats are those who ignore those who are less fortunate. They receive eternal punishment.

The last line of the chapter says this: “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

So that got me thinking. What happens to someone like me, who exhibits both sheep and goat tendencies?

the resolve

I have come to the conclusion that resolutions are useless. We never follow through with them. I randomly googled “New Years resolution failure rates” and got varying statistics, from 50% to 97%. That’s pretty terrible. I think the problem lies in simple human nature. We can resolve to do something, but without a reward for success or a punishment for failure we lack the drive to see our resolution to completion.

But sometimes it works out that the resolution is its own reward. In 2010 my resolution was something along the lines of “screw it, just do it.” It’s because the year before there were a lot of things that I wanted to do but couldn’t find people to do it with. So I decided that I would go and do them, even if it meant going with a really small group, or even doing it alone. The reward was that I would live life more fully, which I think was true for 2010.

For 2011 I want to lose weight, which I guess should be its own reward too. But I had resolved to do this and failed before, so I thought about giving myself a reward for success. I was thinking my reward should be a trip to Hawaii if a six pack starts to show by September 1st. Sounds good right? I have a goal, a deadline, a viewable measure of success, and a reward. Sounds like all the elements are there for success.

As I get older I am becoming more and more of a realist. And so I realize that I will probably fail at this resolution. What will probably happen is that I will be lazy and fat until September 1st, then I’d decide that I still want to go Hawaii, so I’d take a sharpie and draw a six pack on my big round belly. Then I’d go and book my flight to Hawaii, lie on the beach and look like a beached whale. I guess looking like a beached whale would work though, it could be the punishment for failing in my resolution.

full circle

This week I’ve been in a programming class. Introduction to web application development in Visual Studio 2010 was the title of the course. Sounds kind of dull, but actually I really enjoyed it. I’ve always kind of had a love hate relationship with programming classes and with school in general. I learned at a pretty early age how to do well enough in school without working that hard. My dad always told me this: “You inherited my brain, so if you just studied a bit harder, you’ll do well in school.” I guess my dad was pretty smart when he was young. Actually he’s pretty smart now, which I respect a lot, but he didn’t have much opportunity for higher education. Because he couldn’t afford college, he went to the merchant marine academy. He worked hard and actually became chief engineer of a large shipping vessel at a young age. And so he got to visit many countries for free, and by the time he was about my age he had traveled most of the world. I kind of envy him for that opportunity. I’m just beginning to explore the world now.

Anyways, I took what he said to mean I could be lazy and do just as well as everyone else by only studying a little bit. What he probably meant was that I should study a lot and be one of those super achievers. So we were always kinda annoyed at each other. He was annoyed because in his eyes I was always goofing off, either playing video games or chatting online (remember ICQ and AIM?). I was annoyed because in my eyes I was doing fine. I got mostly A’s and a few B’s, and only one C in all of high school. One stupid C. But I’ll get back to that in a bit.

Because of my experiences with my dad, I’ve decided that if I ever have a son, I’m going to tell him three things very early on. First I’ll tell him that his dad is an idiot. Second is that idiocy is hereditary. So third would be that he would have to work five times as hard as anybody else if he wanted to succeed in life. Of course then if his brain were wired similar to my brain, he would come to the conclusion that working five times as hard at studying is not worth it, and he’d find an easy job that didn’t involve studying. But then I suppose I’d be secretly proud of him for making that cost benefit analysis on his own, but on the surface I’d probably be yelling at him to study just like my dad did. Full circle.

So anyways, I got one C in high school. Ironically it was in computer programming, which is kind of what I do for a living now. That C in that computer programming class caused me a lot of grief. I enrolled in the class thinking I’d enjoy it. You’d expect a class called “computer programming” to actually do at least a bit of computer programming, but actually the class was just a glorified typing and word processing class. I decided that the class was not worth my time, but by then it was too late to drop. So I just stopped going to class. I still remember that I ended up with 29 absences that semester, but since the teacher didn’t take roll every single day, I’m sure there were more.

Of course I got a lot of grief when my parents saw my report card. Like usual my dad yelled at me to study harder. My mom was even worse. For some reason she always came to the most ridiculous conclusions. I went shopping with her once, and I was looking at some toys, and she came to the conclusion that I had gotten a girl pregnant. I dunno how she could come to that conclusion, because another time she saw that I hadn’t brought home a girl in a while, so she came to the conclusion that I must be gay. Ridiculous. So when she saw that I had gotten a C in one of my classes, she concluded that I either must be doing drugs, or that I had joined the local street gang.

There was no way that I could convince typical asian parents that a class was a waste of time, so to appease my parents I think I actually studied. Or maybe I pretended to study. I don’t remember, but I do remember that I did actually have textbooks open for an extended period of time. And by then it was time to start thinking about college, so I actually did make a concerted effort. I took the SATs and by the second time I had gotten 1400 (out of 1600 at the time) on my own, which at the time I thought was pretty decent. But of course anything short of a perfect 1600 is not good enough for any asian parent, so they enrolled me in a prep course which brought me up to 1450. All that money for a measly 50 points. I thought it was a total waste. They thought so too. So I got a lot of grief for not getting a perfect score.

That C in computer science came back to haunt me. I knew that I wouldn’t get into a top tier school in CS with a C in CS, so I applied to Berkeley as a forestry major and to UCLA as an english literature major. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I went to those schools. I think if I went to Berkeley I’d be a park ranger or something by now. I don’t think I’d mind that. If I went to UCLA I’d probably write more, which I don’t think I’d mind either. But I ended up at Davis in CS, which was OK too.

So to make the rest of the story short, I went to UC Davis. I found many interesting classes but also many not so interesting classes that I found to be a waste of time. And by then I had no qualms about skipping out of classes that I found were a waste. So my GPA at Davis was pretty bad. But I learned a lot and cracked open the books from time to time and now I’m working as a web application developer. And for now, I really enjoy my job. Even when I’m in a programming class for a week. This class wasn’t a waste of my time. Having my boss sit next to me the whole time made it easier for me to come to that conclusion.

Sometimes I think about the past and start regretting the way I’ve lived. As I grow older I find myself thinking more and more about the “what ifs.” Which I guess is logical. As you get older, you’ve lived through more situations, so there are more what if scenarios to think about. And a lot of times when we start playing back our lives we come to the conclusion that there could have been so much more. If I truly had worked harder as a kid, I would definitely be a lot more successful financially. But that does not necessarily mean that I would be happier. So I guess it’s best to just look at the past in a good light. It’s fun to think about the past and play back those scenarios in your head, but we shouldn’t worry too much about those wasted opportunities.

the little pieces

Since today is Thanksgiving, I started to write the obligatory “Things I’m thankful for” post. As I thought about the topic, I began to realize that there are so many things that I’m thankful for that it would be impossible to list them all.

What I’ve always known, but have now come to fully understand is that life is really the conglomeration of many little things. It’s like a mosaic built of many colorful pieces. Each piece may seem insignificant. But step back and look at the mosaic from afar and it’s a thing of beauty. Similarly life is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and it is made of many tiny pieces.

So I guess what I’m trying to say, in way too many words, is that I should be thankful for each and every day.


I still remember the first time I donated blood. It was in college. This girl that I sorta liked convinced me that it was the right thing to do. Somehow she got me to get over my aversion to needles and my squeamishness to blood. It ended up being a bust because she ended up being too low on iron to donate blood, so she ended up ditching me while the technicians drained me of a pint of blood.

I’ve had other busts too. Once, a couple of days after donating blood I went for a bike ride. It was at Cantelow road, one of the hills that I bike up from time to time to train for century rides. I had forgotten that I was missing a pint of blood, so I remember wondering why I felt so tired and weak. I ended up having to get off my bike a short way up the hill. As I started walking up, I started to black out and had to lie down on the side of the road. After a long rest I barely mustered enough strength to walk the rest of the way up the hill, but didn’t have enough energy to bike back to Davis. I ended up having to call my bro for help.

The whole process of donating blood is kind of uncomfortable. The prick on the finger, the huge needle they stick into your arm to draw blood, the blood pressure thingamabob squeezing your arm for an extended period of time– none of it is really pleasant. And I still feel sorta squeamish around blood. But I always smile at the end. What makes me smile at the end is the reminder, “Drink a lot of fluids, eat a hearty meal, don’t skip any meals…” That is probably the easiest command anyone has ever given to me. As if I would ever voluntarily skip dinner….

Part of the reason why I donate is the blood pressure check. My family has a history of high blood pressure, so I like to check it whenever I can. I found today that it was 104 over 62, surprisingly decent considering all the crap I’ve been eating lately and all the extra pounds I’m carrying. At the camping trip to Fort Bragg this past weekend I ate a lot of fatty ground beef and bacon. My working theory is that bacon grease lubricates the arteries. Less friction = less pressure. Who wants to test my theory?

happy place

I wonder if it’s weird to admit this… I’m not anywhere close to having kids or even being married, but I already have the name picked out for a daughter. If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to name her Auburn. Her middle name’s going to be Connie. Auburn Connie Hong. Not bad right? I don’t care what any of the other kids are named. In fact it’s probably better that the future wife, whoever she may be, names any sons; because the only names I can think of are Ding Dong and King Kong. King Kong Hong, at times that’s what I wished my name was growing up…. but I guess unless I’m setting up my future son to be a bully, he should have a relatively normal name.

Anyways, back to Auburn Connie. She’d be named after the Auburn Confluence area, one of my favorite places in Northern California. I have lots of good memories at that place, both in a large group setting and in smaller groups of two and three. It’s also one of the few places where I am happy going alone. All I need there is my mountain bike and my car.

Today I had a day off because of the governator’s mandated furloughs. It was the first Friday I’ve had off in a long time where I didn’t have anything already planned. It was a beautiful day out, so I knew I wanted to get outdoors, but I couldn’t find anyone to play outside with. It was too beautiful a day to waste indoors, so I decided to head out to Auburn Connie area alone.

They say introverts get recharged when they spend time alone. I already knew I was pretty introverted, but today I realized how much I can enjoy time alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love being outdoors with people, and always wish I had more friends who mountain bike. And I’d gladly teach someone if they desire to go. But it seems like I’m smack dab in the middle when it comes to ability. There are a few guys that I ride with that go at pretty much the same pace, but none of them were available today. The rest of the times it seems like I’m usually either waiting for other people, or if I go with the BAS group, I’m that one token asian guy that all the hardcore bikers are waiting for. Going alone was pretty nice today. It was nice going at my own pace (slow uphill and tearing down the descents,) and nice when I could stop whenever I wanted. I thought I’d be done around 2 or 3, but I actually finished my run around noon.

I knew a little farther down highway 49 in a city named Cool there were some good trails, so I decided to see if I could find them for future rides and hikes. Unfortunately when I got there I found that neither of my GPSs were of any help. I forgot that when I loaded up my topo maps for Sardine Lake I deleted the Auburn and Placerville topos. I had google maps navigation on my phone, but not enough data signal to load any maps. Dahhhh, technofail. I ended up driving down 49 all the way into Placerville.

The stretch of highway 49 from Auburn to Placerville is one of my favorite drives. There were few cars on the road today, and because I didn’t have to worry about a carsick passenger I was able to go pretty fast on the curves. My Subaru isn’t the fastest car, but it’s fun to drive on mountain roads since it handles really well. I had a blast bumping Neyo, Jason DeRulo and Chris Brown while shifting through the gears and accelerating through curves. Good times.

One of my favorite songs is Chris Brown’s Forever….

It’s you and me…. moving at the speed of light into eternityyyyyyyyyy….. If you didn’t know, that song’s about me and my Subaru….

Anyways I forget where I was going with this ridiculously long, rambling post. If you made it this far you must be really bored. If you’re bored and ever want to visit Auburn Connie just let me know. I’m always down to hike or bike there. It’s a happy place.


Something’s wrong with my stomach today.  It’s only halfway through the day and I’ve had to go take a massive dump three times already. What’s worse is that each time I was sitting there minding my business and then all of a sudden nature called hard and fast and I had to run to the bathroom. Well not really run, more like a painful waddle; the kind where you’re trying to get to the toilet as fast as possible without exploding.  The last one was particularly bad. As soon as I sat down I exploded badly. About 10 seconds later I heard a bunch of clickety clacks in the stall next door to me.  I bet the guy next door was tweeting/texting/fb statusing about how the guy in the next stall over exploded….

At least I learned something today. After that last dump that probably will hit some stranger’s facebook status soon, I caught a glimpse of something nasty and stringy when I turned to flush.  It turns out that it was the enoki mushrooms I ate yesterday. They looked exactly like enoki mushrooms still. So that’s when I learned I need to chew better.

Is that too much information for a blog post?  I think not.  I mean you’ve read this far already you sicko…..