coming of age

These past few days I’ve been feeling really old. Looking back in reverse chronological order…

8:40 am, Friday.
I wake up with a massive pain in my stomach. Hmm. Did I over do it last night? I used to be able to handle this, I guess my age is really starting to show. My stomach is not so iron anymore. Taking a dump to relieve pressure. A little bit better. Starting blog post ranting on old age.

10 pm, Thursday.
Meeting up for a beer at Applebee’s. Hmm… Now that I think about it, today was already pretty gluttonous. But I wanted to meet up. Over the years I’ve come to realize that some people don’t really open up unless you chill with them with a beer in hand. For some people I think that’s what it takes to REALLY see how they’re doing. Wow I realize that makes me old. Young people don’t say, “over the years I’ve come to realize….” Anyways it was good catching up. He asked me, what are my plans for this weekend– All I could say is that I’d be doing yard work. I chuckle to myself a bit. Wow, I’ve become a senior citizen— my life is like a retired old man. Soon afterwards I head home and retire to bed.

9 pm, Thursday.
Walking the dog at my bro’s place. Bro is gone for a few days, like usual he’s in SF, being free labor for my dad. We’ve been doing that a lot lately, but this time it’s just my bro. So I’m left in Davis to take care of the dog. Wow now that I think about it, the dog is old. In dog years she’s like almost 90. She’s gotten sluggish over the years. Before when I walked her, she would basically pull me along. Nowadays she doesn’t have a lot of strength, and her eyesight is starting to fail, so she’s so much more docile. It’s kind of sad. I wonder if age will make me sluggish. Then I realize that I already am sluggish. That makes me kinda sad…

7:10 pm, Thursday.
We’ve been at Texas Roadhouse for a while now, since around 6:30. Finally they set us up in two tables. Instinctively we split off into the younger and older tables. Of course I’m at the older table. Gosh it’s always hard to choose between steak or ribs at these places. I end up picking a rib-eye steak since we decide to order a rack of ribs for the table to split. The steak is good, although a bit salty, and not really rare like I ordered. I thought about my steak popsicle from a couple of years back. Now that was a rare steak. No restaurant would do that. The ribs are okay. I’ve never had a fantastic rack of ribs in California. I’ve been spoiled. I’ve hit up some great barbecue joints in the midwest. I remember the Adam Bomb in Saint Louis, named after the host of Man vs Food. Mang there was some good barbecue on that road trip. Now that I think about it, living in the past is kind of an old man thing. I’m not even thirty yet and it seems like my glory days are already behind me.

11:50am, Thursday.
Eating lunch at my desk. Coworkers ask me what I got today. “Salad,” I reply sheepishly. “But it’s only cuz I’m hitting up Texas Roadhouse for dinner later,” I say, trying to redeem myself. I made a crack before about real men not eating salad without meat, and here I was eating a salad without meat. There’s also a grapefruit on my desk, a couple of bananas, and a teapot of loose leaf organic green tea. Not your typical manly food. In the last year or so, I’ve really felt my metabolism slowing, so I had been trying to eat healthier. More veggies, more fruit, and oatmeal for breakfast. Helps my digestion too. Funny thing though, I remember eating like crap and not having digestion problems when I was younger. So I guess it’s not that old age makes you wiser about food, it’s that old age forces you to eat better food, because you feel like crap otherwise. I still hit up the buffets and steakhouses once in a while, even though I feel like crap afterwards, so I guess I haven’t fully learned that lesson. So my diet I guess has become an old man diet. But what really made me feel old was when I started to realize that I should take glucosamine and calcium supplements. But I know it will be worth it. Popping that glucosamine pill makes me feel like an old geezer, but I still wanna be able to bike and hike and do all those cool things that old retired people do.

8:30 pm, Wednesday.
Sac small group. Wow only three people again. This ship is sinking fast. All these young whippersnappers with their careers and schooling to worry about… I guess I’ve past that long ago and all that career stuff is on cruise control for a while. Today’s icebreaker question, which turns out to be the entire discussion is, “What do you want to do before you turn 30?” Great. Thanks for the reminder that it’s only a little over six months away. For the other two here tonight, there’s about three years left. That’s about how long ago I made my list. I actually got a lot of the fun stuff done, the stuff you’re supposed to do when you’re young and free. Cross country road trip, check. RV trip, check. Week long backpacking trip, check. More random travel, check.

But I’ve missed on a lot of the important stuff. I’m not really making how much I thought I should be making as a thirty year old, but I asked my boss for a raise/promotion earlier in the year, which should get me close. If I don’t get it by the end of the year, I’ll probably look for a new job. Because I didn’t hit that goal, I don’t have as much savings in the bank as I wanted either. And I’m behind on life goals. I wanted to be either married or in a lonely bachelor pad by the time I’m thirty. So I guess bachelor pad it is. For now. I should probably tell my housemates that I want to live alone, so that they could find places to live at by the end of the year. But I still haven’t fully decided. If I live alone, there’s no rent coming in, so it makes it harder to hit my savings goals.

My parents are on my case about marriage all the time nowadays. Once that thirty year threshold hits, I know the nagging about marriage is going to become infinitely harder and more fierce. They’ve already tried to set me up with people. What’s next? I suppose they could start handing my number out to random Asian girls.

It’s not that I don’t want to get married. I do. I’m actually deathly afraid of dying alone. BUT I’m even more afraid of ending up with the wrong person, which becomes a paralyzing fear. It seems with old age there are two responses to relationships. You can become desperate, or you can become cynical. I guess my old age and a string of relationship failures in the past have made me cynical. What makes me less cynical is seeing my friends with kids. I think I would really enjoy being a dad, especially if I had a son. I’d love throwing a football or baseball around with my son or taking him on manly camping trips. Although with my luck I’m sure I’ll get all daughters. I would probably turn them into the biggest tomboys.

Back to the present
So yea, these last few days I’ve been thinking a lot about growing older. It’s kind of a strange train of events that led me to think long and hard about it. I’m still thinking about it, and will probably think about it all through the weekend as I now get away from the computer and start my old man yard work.

3 thoughts on “coming of age”

  1. with your luck you’ll prolly get sons who have no interest in athletics or outdoor stuff. and your daughters will be girly girls.

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